Meant to be…
The real love story of the unreal 21st century!
With all the contemplation, regrets and impossible longings to search for a possibility, to find a way to be with her; had hurt me allover again. To even think of at least seeing her one more time hurt me and made me wonder.
Wonder who would that guy be who was with her that night, why was she smiling at him with all her heart while I should have been the one who must’ve been the one who caused that graceful, sweet, alluring smile. Why was he holding her hand; while it should have been me, who felt and enjoyed the tenderness of her pale, soft skin because I thought she was special only to me. Her hands were too soft not that she was naturally like that but as she was an indolent girl, not doing any household chores, she was one hell of a Dad’s princess. Though I had known that the wondering would not change anything I still wondered, ‘What if she had her side of the story on what happened’. I had only known her for 3 months then, but I didn’t know what made me feel that she was the one. But I certainly knew that I was sure in my decision, that I was deeply, madly and stupidly in love with her. And I knew she was too. When Suhail asked why I was so crazy about her, I just could not answer. I could not put the finger on it but I just was in love, as simple as that. And to convince him I had said,
“When a person loves you dearly but struggles to tell you why they love you, then I think it is true love. Because when one loves you not for the personality or beauty or money then that’s real love. Love does not come with conditions; it does not come with terms. When it hits you, you will fall for it no matter how big or strong you are. When you are madly in love with someone, you will find utmost pleasure in their smile not in their body; you will find an electric energy passing through your spine just by holding their hand and not by making love. That’s real love and that is how I feel about Shaina, I do not know why I love her I just simply do.’
He was moved by the answer, I must say. And going down the memory lane made me miss her but I certainly do not know what I missed exactly; her coarse hair or her terrible driving skills or her idiotic but too sweet talks. I guess I just missed all of her. I never thought that I would ever fall for a nerd, to be honest. I got to see many women in a day but whoever I saw, I wished that they were her. Women there in Chennai had spa conditioned, blow dried, shiny hair but I’d rather loved her coarse plaits. Many women were tall, perfectly matching to my height but I found my dwarf cute. I could even find the next Celine Dion but I was so damn into her voice, that quirky and caring voice.
She is my New York in the midst of Sahara. She has that light, hope, desire and she fancies me and it feels as though she is so far away like the stars that we can only admire but cannot near.
She gave me a belief and some sort of pure happiness and peace in those 3 months. Though we had held hands only once, though we rarely spent time alone, though we never talked for hours in the phone and though we never gifted each other nor have we exchanged some notes or letters, still she was mine and I was hers or so I thought! I was about to tell how I felt about her and despite the Chennai plans but then I saw her expressing that explicit smile to someone else, holding someone else’s hands, and that crushed my heart. I was devastated.
When I had thought of all that, when it was almost nearing a year since I had met her, was simply carving the scar deeper and deeper.
‘Maybe I am being silly, maybe I am the only one who felt that way, and maybe I am the only
one who is lamenting for the separation’ I had thought inspite of having had a tiny hope on our love somewhere round the corner, in the bloody heart.
Chennai was vast and exhilarating but it seemed as though it’s charm was insufficient for me to avert her memories. It was November then, and the next month it will mark 1 year from the day that I had met her. God! I really wished I had never gone to Brooks, and ut was not the only time that I had wished that way.
I expected Chennai to be hot always, it turned out to be the opposite. Weather was too cold and so was my heart. It was getting tougher and tougher to get ready early in the mornings in the terribly cold mornings. I wish I had been in hostel; it would have been much easier.
Every 8.00 AM of my Engineering life.
‘Sri, come on get up at once now!!!’
‘Ma, he gets up late every day and you don’t pester him to be early as you do to me and that’s unfair mum.’
‘Arathana stop complaining already.’
‘Ma, maybe we should shift near my college so that it would be easy for me and for you,’ I had said in a drowsy voice.
‘Yes then I would have to get out of the house at 7 to reach my school’, said Arathana in despair.
‘Huh! Why would God punish me by giving a sister like you that I never wised for?’ I exclaimed with exasperation.
‘Ha! I thought that you had no faith in God’ she said in extreme happiness that she had made her point.
We both laughed for a moment for our silly ‘word war’. I no longer carry the lunch as I realised on our first day that it was not necessary and obviously not stylish. I had my lunches in the Canteen with Ragu and the new friends that we made, Pragathi, Shiva, Bala, Ganesh and Riya.
Yes Riya, it seemed that the rumors are real. She did have a crush on me. Well, who would not when you have a 6 feet prince charming in your class? Huh, Shaina didn’t! But Riya seemed to be crazy and serious.
She had been constantly trying to make an impression. I had no idea on how I would tell her that she was not the one, and that I have lost hope in love and I will probably never, ever, dare to fall for anyone ever again?
I was annoyed. Probably it was her first love and that was why she seemed so serious. It had been five months since the college started and every day she made an attempt and did everything to make me ‘like’ her.
She even tried learning photography just to impress me but her pictures were terrible. But she tried and I had liked that in her. I was clear with my decisions, I could not move on completely from Shaina when I was not ready. I did not know what she was going to speak now, I was annoyed and was enjoyed the attention, at the same time. Every day after the classes, Riya spoke to me and it had become a ritual soon.
I had pretended that I did not notice her, the entire time while the Python class was going on and so nonchalantly I had replied
‘Hey Riya! Didn’t realize that you were waiting , so whats up?’
‘Sri, you were so keen listening the lecture today in the Chemistry class. And you were also attentive in Python too and you even scored good marks in the internals. So I wondered , would you mind tutoring me because I’m really bad in both the subjects that I really failed in the internals’, I had to stop her before she continued. I knew the pain of losing someone and so I did not want her to indulge herself in that hell. I needed to make sure that she never had me, to lose me.
‘Riya, listen to me now clearly, I know your intentions and I do know that you scored State first mark in 12th grade. You have these feelings for me but I’m not ready for a relationships right this moment. So please change your mind and concentrate on studies’
‘No, Sridev that is not as simple as you just said. I don’t think that I can forget you, you don’t seem to understand my seriousness’, I had started to tremble on seeing her tears but I knew that I couldn’t do this.
‘Riya you do not understand my situation, you should rather move on with your studies’, my voice finally became hard.
‘I completely understand what you have been and going through and I know about your past nightmare, Shaina’, my heart stopped for a second.
‘How the hell do you know about Shaina? ’, I could not control the anger in my voice anymore.
‘It is not important how I came to know about her, what is important is that you should move on from that cheater.’ She has no idea on what she is speaking, she is just rambling out of the pain of rejection.
‘Stop it now, no more words about Shaina!’
‘No, why should I? You are wasting your time thinking about that cheater, she is a slut! You should move on’
I just slapped her so hard. I see that her face had turned red, her eyes were flooded with tears and she started weeping in utter disappointment and disbelief. She covered her red cheeks which almost had my finger prints on it, tears rolled down her cheeks like monsoon rain that had flooded a falls.
I felt so awful for having assaulted a woman and my Mom would not be proud of me if she knew this nor would be Shaina.
I could not control the rage when she verbally abused Shaina. I just could not take that. I took a deep breath before I said the next words.
“Riya, you have no idea how much Shaina means to me. I know that we are not together but that does not mean that I should move on with another girl. I can move on or I can just stay happy with myself and it’s my decision to make not yours, not anyone’s just MINE. I don’t feel anything more than a concern on a good friend for you. You are pretty, smart and you are from a well to do family, you should be happy with your life. Trust me you don’t have to have this pain. Just concentrate on Engineering and everything will be fine. I won’t be telling this to anyone and you don’t have to worry about that’
She was weeping while I uttered those words to her, while my embaressed profile was downcast. And she finally left. I had felt terrible for I had slaped her. I felt outraged with her choice of words that she had used on Shaina. Riya was a good friend but then, she was not. I would never forgive her for what she had just done. I was certainly not in the mood to go back home. I headed to the beach.
Spending time with ourselves is as important as being with the family, it replenishes you. And I strongly believed in this mantra and I still do.
The salty breeze soothed my heart, the crude texture of the sand calmed me, the buzzing song of Chennai delicated my thoughts.
As much as I was fed up with Riya, I was equally annoyed with Bhuvi. Why did he tell Riya about Shaina? I trusted him, and I was disappointed. ‘Sometimes I don’t understand people, why are they so complicated?’ And I wondered, why I had got so furious when Riya said such things about Shaina, she was not with me anymore, she never was. She had never loved me, she probably never had felt the same for me ever and then, I was worrying for a girl who literally betrayed me, who had broken my heart into pieces.
My head had never hurt like that before, even the headache reminded me of her. Sometimes she had terrible headaches when she was stressed. It hurt her so much that sometimes she would cry; I could not bear seeing her in tears. I could literally see her pain through her face. Once when we were leaving the school together, she suddenly fell on the ground and she started sobbing. I was laughing at her until I saw the pain in her face. Then I figured that she was stressed out entire week because of her grandfather’s passing which troubled had her so much. On that day, I held her hand so tightly until her pain was gone.
‘What if she had that headache now, just because I left her without even caring to tell her that I’m getting away from her? What if her headache got worse than before and I’m obviously not there to tell that it was going to be okay, who is going to comfort her?’ I used to think and fall in the deep valley of melancholy. It was so stupid of us, it would have taken only an afternoon to meet her, to clear the mess that we had created, to finally say the worlds. But we never thought of that. It was so stupid of me actually, I should’ve taken the initiative, I should’ve pursued her. If I had slaped that guy at the party, and asked what was going on, I would’ve got an answer. But then I didn’t do it.
I wonder at the world and its sky,
Seeking the answers for my sigh;
Hoping for the wound to heal,
Cruel wounds of love that I won’t feel.
She has made deep imprints
That I can write in scripts.
The nightingale refuses to sing to me;
Oh! There is no way to escape from this agony.
I’m lamenting for the one gone,
Wondering if she too was in thrall
And to strike a pause at my wondering and puzzled contemplation, my phone rang. It was Bhuvi. I did not intend to talk to him right away and thus I had hung up the call. He had been calling again and again; I was not answering. And again, he kept calling and I’d show some mercy then. I picked up the call and I could immediately sense the exhaustion in his voice, he was literally gasping. ‘What could be the issue? Did my Mom find out that I’m in the beach and not in home?’ I had thought.
And then he said,
“Sri wherever you are rush to GH now, Riya has consumed poison”
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