“Meant to be”
…His eyes meant to say “I’m Sorry”
I looked away as the song ended. When the Signal finally went “green” my eyes were still wet. His eyes still hoped for mine to forgive him but while my heart was still heavy. Eyes still mushy, I felt difficult to see anything but was determined to leave that place.
Raising the accelerator, I marched forward. I knew that he was following me, probably thought to pursue me; having had to narrate his part of the story right from the 12th farewell party at Sahil Anna’s house. But, it was too late for a formal explanation and an apology.
We were almost travelling parallel on the Road. And when I looked back and he looked forward, our eyes stuck in the moment. His, seeking forgiveness and mine expressing disappointment, whilst hands controlling each other’s vehicle. That instant, I felt like the world moved slower, as though the whole planet’s rate of circle around the sun paused for us. That 30 seconds was personal, it was our moment of ‘privacy’, that I was completely satisfied with; just his presence in the whole wide world.
The anger, the despair and all the bitter feelings in my heart had vanished. I only felt love.
I relived the feeling that I went through when he helped me with the scooter and how he managed to make sure that I reached safely. The butterflies that I had when his hands touched mine whilst he fought with me to steal my ribbon re-entered my body. That look of expectation which filled our hearts and eyes with love and convincing feelings overwhelming through our eyes stroked the heart again. Falling in a well of mystic love that numbed the thoughts had almost frozen my brain that time. Two years of utter longing and agony to hear his voice, to be spell bound by those striking eyes finally had come to an end. Before I could break the ice and cry to him that I had always needed him more than I ever knew, I got hit and I was thrown in the air. Because he was right next to me, just one ft. behind, that car hit him too, leading to fall, this time the fault was not his. That moment was dramatic. Our eyes were still on each other. I almost saw death taking me over and I
“Why wouldn’t he leave me in peace even at death? And why the hell am I living the song??? (Thalli Pogathey!!)”
I didn’t know what happened but I passed out in a minute after that. And the last thing I had seen was his eyes.
A day and a half after that, I woke up. I felt as though I was haemorrhaging inside the brain. I couldn’t see anything. My ears hurt with every sound that I heard. I passed out again. And after four hours, I regained consciousness. Then, the head hurt a little less and I could hear much better. Still, my vision was blurry. But, I had complete consciousness then. I did not speak a word. The first thought that hit the mind was, if he was okay. I needed to figure if he was fine. Without my request or want, someone helped me get up and made me lay on the pillow. I sat there, half slouching, and put my head hanging. My head still hurt for about 10 minutes. I had my head on the edge of the bed as it felt better. Rubbing my forehead I told Sara hoping that it was her, who helped me with laying back;
“Sara, I need to know if Arjun is ok” and I gave a pause saying that.
“And try as much not let my parents know, use my card for the bills” and continued “If Appa gets to know, he will ground me forever”
She did not speak back. It felt weird.
“I’m okay and your parents already know”
“Hmm…” I said initially with a peaceful sigh.And then my brain went “Eh…”
I looked up, only to find him, standing right in front of me. I was short of words. But, I was relieved that he was fine. He came nearer and sat beside me. The red coloured stool made a funny noise and was seemingly in need of a quick replacement. As I did not intend to make eye contact, I decided to scan the room. My clothes were all neatly arranged in the half closed cupboard. My then most expensive possession, Fast track watch was shattered; I could barely find any needle in it. Appa’s ring that I used to wear and which I still wear along the chain was scratched. I only had the hospital gown on; which did not cover all the length of my first-time waxed legs. That heavy, gaudy smelling blanket that I could never forget annoyed me so much. My head suddenly hurt again. I had bruises all over the hands, head and my left leg got fractured. I was slouching again. I felt awkward to stay that close to him. It was awkward and sadly strange. That man, who was once my favourite boy in the whole world, was part of my day, night, was also the cause of my laughter and the inducer of my tears.
He was my Sun, and then I almost felt like Pluto.
Like I needed and destined to stay away as far as I can, from my very own Sun. Love was round the corner in my life but my heart was so not ready for heartbreak again.
Days passed. The doctor had suggested a week in hospital but I pestered Arjun and we were going to discharge that day. He was packing everything while I sat there, on the bed not knowing what to do.
“I’ve talked to Sara and she is handling situations at home” he said.
“Thank you” I made sure to make it sound as ignorant and as annoying as possible.
“And the Doctor said that your recovery rate is quite good. So, don’t stress. It should not take more than a couple of weeks for you to return to your regular schedule,” he said with such concern and I only nodded my head in reply.
“You should not be worrying about the notes too. I can tutor you,”
“If you would like that” he said hesitantly. And those words made me furious. I was so angry that I instantly had enough energy to smash his head against the creepy window that made funny noises every time he opened them. His vision annoyed me and so did his words.
“Enough of your drama Arjun, you are really getting into my nerves”
“I said stop all this nonsense now! Stop acting like you care, stop acting like you know and stop acting like you are innocent! Stop this bullshit!”
“Do you even hear what you are saying?”
“Well, Yes I do!” I started screaming at him. I was so ferocious that I did not think while I uttered those words.
“I know that you used me just because you were so sure that I had feelings for you”
“Used you?” he grew even more ferocious.
“Yes! If it is not real, you wouldn’t have left me without even caring to let me know that bloody valid reason. You thoroughly enjoyed my company as long as you could and left like anything”
“Shaina you’re words sounds like absolute nonsense”
“Nonsense?” he was about to be killed!
“Well I think so” I could sense a bit of “taken aback” in his voice.
“Leaving me at the balcony, waiting and waiting for you was nonsense to you wasn’t it?”
“For two fucking years, I have been crazy; gone mad just because of the pain you have caused me,”
“You were waiting for me?”
“So you didn’t even care to show-up?”
“No I did show-up”
“So you did come there, and saw me waiting for you and just didn’t care to say that you were moving?”
“It was not that simple Shaina”
“Well, how difficult was it to break the heart of an idiot who fell head over heels for you?”
“I came there that night hoping to confess how I felt about you. But, when I came there, I saw you with a boy. He was wooing you and you seemed to be enjoying his company. And only after that I saw your Instagram messages, I understood that it was you cousin, Harsh.”
“What? So you saw the messages and did not care to reply and still decided to be in an affair with Riya?”
“Oh please Arjun, the whole college knows about you guys!”
“And you believe so too?”
“Like you believed that I was with some boy at the balcony?”
“You know that these circumstances aren’t the same Shaina”
“On what criteria are distinguishing them then?”
“Riya is leaving the college. She knows that I still have feelings for you. She thinks that it wouldn’t be good for her to stay around.”
“So now, you guys are doing me a favour”
“What do you want, Shaina?”
“I don’t want to see you Arjun fucking Venugopal; I don’t want you near me”
“That would be impossible”
“You have made me suffer so much that the scars flash right in front of me when I even try to think of our good times”
“It was all a misunderstanding Shaina. We did not have a regular bonding to let you go that easily. Even if I let you go, memories won’t. Do you really think that I have been happy these two years?”
“Well, I certainly believe that you have been so content with your affairs” I said, with a tear dropping down though I tried so hard to hide it.
To be continued…